Being a Mom makes you question your existence before hand; I mean,
What did I do with ALL my time?
Oh, that’s right. I slept and spoiled myself.
Now I find myself at the beckon call of a one year old. Mama I need this; Mama I want that; Mama I am not happy; Mama I am hungry; Mama I am upset; Mama please don’t leave me alone! Well, all this and more is expressed with eyes welling with tears, pouty lips and one word, maybe two: “Up, Ma-Ma!”
How can I resist? I mean he is so darn adorable!
That is why I had to plan my escape craftily this evening.
I cooked dinner; washed the dishes; fed the baby and myself; cleaned up after the trail of terror created while I was cooking dinner and washing the dishes; packed my briefcase (over-sized brightly colored beach bag that is used to carry my lap top since I never go to the beach and don’t have a PROFESSIONAL case); picked up the six pairs of shoes my baby selectively dispersed throughout the living room, his room, and our bedroom while I was packing my briefcase; walked the dog while toting the baby; reviewed the mail; read Mikey books and played “choo-choo” while waiting for the hubs to get home from work, late; kissed hubs hello/goodbye; and quickly sneaked out the door with my stuff and the recycling while the hubs entertained the baby.
And I wonder why I have a HARD time being inspired to write once I finally make it to the coffee shop?
And of course, as I get out of the car, I look into the back seat and see the baby’s car seat and a cute ‘lil pair of his blue jeans that were accidentally left in the car from the weekend. My heart is full of love and guilt all at once.
Just got back from vacationing by the in-laws in South Africa and here’s what I’ve got to say…
Every time I go to South Africa I find out something new about myself. The first time I was there I realized how captivating the world can be. I’d been trapped in a bubble, one that I disagreed with, but there I found a whole new universe and hope to carry on. The second time I was there I found true love; I was working on it the first time but only truly understood its depth after a long trial separation. The strongest love can provide the strongest heartache and I’d been on both sides of the spectrum at this point. From an experienced perspective, I knew Ryan was my soul mate and that I couldn’t live without him; thus, the power of our love found a way to build a vessel long enough to bind our hearts together from so far apart. And the last, most recent trip to South Africa revealed to me the most important thing of all: the power within.
My whole life I’ve been busy searching for something, questions to go along with my answers. Like Oprah, I’ve always known I had a destiny far bigger than my own being. I know I am meant to do something special, something that will shake the globe, and something that will change lives for the better. I have an old soul bearing wisdom beyond my explanation. I’ve even been perplexed by the complexities of it and fear the absurdity in even admitting it now for fear of being rejected as a selfish, attention hungry fool. That is not what I mean. I mean profundity. I mean enlightenment. I mean when soul meets heart. I mean the purpose of life.
I now know that my purpose is three fold: Family, Love, and Give.
Family seems like a simple solution. We all live for the ones who are a part of us. But this simple solution is an understated reality. At least this was the case for me until I had a baby of my own, until I understood the intrinsic responsibility of the web we weave with our blood. It binds past, present, and future in our DNA. It determines reality, perception, and ability.
Family doesn’t end with blood though. It extends out as far as the energy our love allows. Embracing the human race as family is just as important as embracing your own, because you can only love yourself as much as you do your worst enemy.
Ah Love! The key to every book, every story, every life lesson, every dream, every aspiration, every venture, and every motion—even a counterintuitive hate act comes from a lack of love leading it back to love. Life is love. Love is every part of a sentence even if the word isn’t written at all. Love is you; love is me. Love is all there is at all. The absence of love is darkness and denial. The absence of love is lost. Love is a reflection of yourself imitated in the way you exist and the way you treat others. Accepting your own true love is the biggest challenge and greatest accomplishment, because pure love for yourself flows pure love back into the universe, creating a transcendence of light that manifests into happiness as we know it, making life worth living—translation making “life” life.
The final fold pulls it all together. It brings what I’ve been created of and the love I possess into action. This third act is where I rest now. I am a writer. I use the power of the pen to express myself. It’s my voice expressed in the purest way I know possible. Try to speak to me in person and you will never get out what I am able to type here. This is my medium, so to speak. Or maybe I should say it is my hands.
My hands have the power to influence the world in one quick swoop of a QWERTY. My hands can hold a baby close and take away all his/her fears. My hands can hand over my possessions to someone who needs them more than I do. My hands can heal. I am ready to help heal the world and let me tell you how:
1.I will continue to use my experiences and epiphanies as a way to speak to others through my writing.
2.I am in the process of being attuned to Reiki, so I can use my hands to help heal others. For those who don’t know Reiki, it’s a technique (not related to a particular religion but can be in tune with any religion) that uses your hands to help heal others by opening their chakras (energy centers) and helping them draw energy from you and the rest of the world to heal themselves. It may sound completely mystic and silly if you don’t think about the physics behind existence. We all consist of tiny particles called atoms; those atoms make up what you see in the mirror, but on the smallest scale possible, they fire off energy constantly. They interact with each other and the rest of the world.
For example, have you ever entered a room and got a bad vibe from the person in front of you? That is your energy speaking to theirs and telling you to stay away from their negativity.
Reiki is a way of using your own energy and that of the world around you to help make a positive impact on a person’s life. It’s emotional, physical, and spiritual all at once. Not only does Reiki help others, but it will also help me heal myself—which goes back into the whole definition of “love” as a reflection of its interpretation.
3.I want to use my hands to help the children of South Africa, in particular the ones at St. Francis Care Foundation. Call it divine intervention, fate, or destiny but one evening something made me pick up a local newspaper. It’s mostly written in Afrikaans, but I fell upon an article in English about this home for abandoned, molested, and HIV/AIDS children. At that moment, I knew I had to do everything I could to reach out to these people. After visiting the home twice, I met all the children and their “Ma”, Marlene Williams.
I won’t get into all the details now, but I will say that these children symbolize what joy means to me.
They have no possessions. They are lucky to get food every day. They have been mistreated in the most inhumane ways and abandoned by the only people who were ever supposed to love them. And yet they have found a way to smile, be thankful, give where they can, and move forward in love.
All of this happened because one woman recognized them and picked up the pieces as best as she could with the strength of a tiger. They now have a mother. They have love and that is the most important thing of all. That is why they sing in praise for their blessings. That is why they volunteer in the community to help others when they have nothing. That is why they live. They live for love. They are love. And I can’t help but love them too.
I made a promise to them and myself to think of those children every day when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. I want to help them keep shining their light of love on the world. I will find a way to make their lives easier. I am working on a way to help them now….more to come.
This is what South Africa does to me. It only seems fit that I would find myself where mankind first came into existence. It’s like a full circle cycle, flowing from the beginning of time to where I am now and where I want my life to end (symbolically). I’m just happy to know where my path is going. Who knows where I will be 10 years from now, but right now it just feels right. Please don’t find this message in vain but simply as a message of hope, one woman’s life coming together. What will you do and say when your life makes sense?
My house became an infirmary this week; this is evident by the tornado that was once my living room. Needless to say, I had to escape as quickly as I could before my head exploded. I am now sitting alone at Panera bread sipping hazelnut coffee and eating a chocolate chip muffin top.
Oh, how I love being alone! I never realized how much I enjoyed being by myself until I became a mother! Does that sound bad? Well, I am savoring the moment regardless. AH! Okay back to being a selfless mother…
As I was saying my house “the infirmary”, you would not want to be within a mile radius of our household this week if for no reason but the stench of it! You know that smell your house gets when you have dishes in the sink for a week and it starts to smell, well sour. Mix that with the influx of dirty laundry scattered around the house and the sweaty icky funk pouring out of our bacteria and virus-infested flesh.
Now doesn’t that sound appetizing!
Heck! No wonder my husband worked overtime this week.
It was a trying time for all of us, especially my sweet little baby. You see this was the first time he has been “really” sick. You know besides the colic, runny nose, and teething. This was his first experience with a virus, bacteria, allergic reaction, or all of the above (we still have no idea, really), so Mama had to step up her game.
Oh! And I forgot to mention, I was (still am!) sick too. But alas! No time for Mama to dawdled in her own misery known as mono. I must be prepared to reach the ends of the earth for my crying little cherub. And I did, no doubt. His pain broke my ever lovin’ heart. I forgot about myself instantly and gave into his every whimper. He really didn’t leave my side for longer than 5 minutes at a time during the whole fiasco. He wanted his mama day and night, nothing else not even daddy. I have never felt so important in my entire life, but I felt so alone and it was really demanding.
And my husband, he did all he could really. He had to work so we could afford to eat and buy medication. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a little envious of his ability to leave our vile pool of nausea and tears every morning. What I would have given to even go to the bathroom by myself!
So here I am a wreck! I was stressed, sick, heartbroken, and all alone. What could I do but what any “A” Type would do: be efficient.
Step One- Call the Doctor.
Step Two- Create an Excel Spreadsheet detailing temperature changes, meds administered, amount of meds administered, date, and time.
Step Three- Research the Internet. Yes, I am one of those people who reviews any medical web site, baby web site, symptom checker, and illness forum I can find. Like I said, “A” Type, I have to be prepared when I go to the doctor with a list of all possible illnesses.
Step Four- Breastfeed, Breastfeed, Breastfeed. Did I say, Breastfeed? You would think I had a newborn baby as much as he fed off of me, but he really didn’t want much else. And it’s the best way for him to receive nature’s medicine (extra antibodies).
Step Five- Pull everything into the living room and hunker down until dark. I turned my living room into the baby’s room, my bedroom, and the kitchen. I would have turned it into a bathroom too if I could pull the toilet in there. I would have moved mountains, anything to make it easier on me and my baby.
Step Six- Be prepared to go without sleep for a week….
In the end, we survived with only a few scratches, mostly me from bumping into things with my sleep deprived and naturally clumsy ways. The babe is back to getting into everything and eating like a little piggy. And me? I am exhausted, even typing the word makes me sleepier…
(Drooling on the table while other restaurant patrons stare and point)
…zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..What?
Oh! Back to this...which is my point, really? I am going to sacrifice my only time to sleep to catch up on my writing and hopefully entertain you. That is just how much you mean to me. So if this week’s entry isn’t all witty or fascinating or insightful or fun or whatever you expect, just know I am going without sleep for you. If that doesn’t guilt you into liking me and holding out for another week then I don’t know what will. Trust me it gets better. I get better. I will get better literally, I hope.
I have to I go on vacation in five days (I love how I say it like it’s a chore or something!)! Maybe that will be enough to snap me out of this. Until then, don’t judge my grammar or lack of poetic prose. This week I am just one tired mama trying to make it through one day at a time…
I found this question lingering in my inbox this evening. It’s as if the talented and intelligent Holly Lisle was reading my mind when she wrote this prompt. Currently, I am a Stay-at-Home Mom, mostly unemployed (besides the rare freelance gig), and writing for free. I love the writing opportunities I've been given, but sometimes I worry that I am just wasting time on a hopeless dream that will never materialize and I should just go out and get a full time corporate job with benefits (if that exists anymore for a recent college graduate). I worry that my selfish desires could be getting in the way with my family's needs. You must also know that this is coming from someone who doesn't know what it means to be unemployed because I’ve had a job since I was 13 years old.
I have this constant internal battle that leaves me confused and jaded, one side saying, “Take this break. You deserve it. Write. Write feverously! Make it worth it.”
And the other saying, “Grow up. Put your dreams to rest and go to work.”
It’s a terrible way to be really, and I need to come to terms with it. I think Holly has helped me find the answer.
What do I want out of writing?
I don’t write because I want to be rich; I write because I have something to say. I have this ache inside me searching for a surface on which to bare all that it entails. I’ve lead a fortunate life, not privileged but fortunate. I’ve felt heartache that hurt so much it’s like having a part of your body removed without your consent or anesthesia. I’ve felt love so strong that it could find it's way through mountains and oceans and continents, literally. I’ve felt disappointment harder than a slap in the face. I’ve felt happiness so pure and beautiful that I couldn’t stop weeping about it for days.
I have wounds deeper than the Rio Grande and bonds thicker than blood. My life has taken me to places I could only dream of and nightmares I wish were only haunting me in my sleep. These moments, these memories fuel who I am and what I aspire to be.
I am a transcendentalist. I believe everything is relative. Life has a purpose, my life has a purpose. I believe part of that purpose is to make a connection. So I write. I write to connect to you; I write to connect you to me. If I can write something and it means something to just one person then it is not all in vain. All I know is I’ve seen a lot and I’ve felt a hell of a lot. I cannot let that disappear into the past when I’m gone.
I don’t think I can change the world. Do I want to? Absolutely, I would love to make a positive impact. Not because of who I am, but because my words touched someone and they did something extraordinary. It doesn’t even have to be extraordinary in the eyes of the world at large, just their own.
What I want out of writing is life. I want the meaning to life, the purpose of life, and the reason for life. And now I know that brings me back to writing. It’s just like a pond standing still and moving all at once.
No more excuses.
I hold the only answer in my brain, my heart, and at my fingertips.
I am sitting in my car in the grocery store's parking lot (or grocer's parking lot if you're not from the South and don't use two words to describe one) waiting for my little one to wake up so we can go inside. This is one of those really considerate things I do for him that he will neither remember nor know he should appreciate about me. I figured this is as good a time as any to catch you up-to-date on my life this last week (well eight days, I know I vowed to blog every week but mom's get an extra day in every blog week...it's in the Amendments to the Constitution!), as fabulous as it is and all!
Of course it started out pretty normal, cleaning and looking after the baby, but by the end of the week, I sort of felt like a celebrity. Nothing perks you up (at least me anyways) more than having 150 plus followers on Twitter, especially when I don’t know 98 percent of them and I just officially started tweeting last week. I say “officially” because I’ve had an account for over a year but never used it until recently. Well, I didn’t have a reason until recently. And that leads me to the second part of my celebridom, no wait for it......
my celebritism
Or is it celebritation? Celebri...? Well, you get the picture.
I wrapped up the week with a photo session for Modern Parent. If you’ve failed to hear me gloat about it thus far, it’s an up and coming, trendy, witty, pure awesomeness (as I slurp from the ever so BIG straw I am using to suck up), online parenting magazine called Modern Parent, in which yours truly (well, me of course!) will be featured as a weekly columnist (applaud here).
My column will be known as Philosophical Mom. It basically consists of me trying to figure out the meaning of life while it, meaning he, stares at me or screams at me wanting his diaper changed, food, entertainment, and, if I am lucky, affection. Please don’t be dis-swayed (don’t think that’s a real word but it is now) by the title. Yes, there will be serious and sentimental moments. There will also be a lot of stories from my journey first year postpartum (and maybe some pregnancy memories). It will also be funny and even at times sarcastic and self deprecating.
Right now I probably have three interested readers: 1) my husband (by my sheer force), 2) my mother (bless her heart), and 3) my alternate ego, Ivy. I will be happy if I can at least double that number by the end of the first month, so give me a shot and read it! What have you got to lose? If you are on Facebook please “Friend” me (if we aren’t already) and then “Like” Modern Parent to receive updates on its premiere.
Heck! If I get desperate I may even pay you to read it, but more on that later…
On Sunday, like I was saying, I had a rendezvous with Christine Roman Bryk, the most awesome photographer in the whole world. She took my professional head shot for Modern Parent, in the parking lot of an undisclosed location because if I tell you I may have to kill you, seriously, especially after what happened to the first location! Dum, dah-dum!
By the way, I am leading a protest at South Park Mall this Saturday and you should all come. Why? Oh! Let me count the reasons. Number one: There is no Pac-Sun! Number Two: Well, let’s not get into number two. Number Three: Spending money there is like throwing away a third world country!
Anyway, Christine Roman Bryk of Dimples and Curls Photography said and I quote, “Your photos came out so beautifully that I don’t even need to ‘photoshop’ them.” Even if she changes her mind about the photos once she looks at them on the computer, I will forever hold on to that moment.
I love how I have, thus far, made it seem like the photo shoot was just for me when actually my session lasted all of two minutes out of the entire day she spent shooting columnists of Modern Parent!
Before closing, I just want to say two more things.
Please check out Dimples and Curls Photography! Their newborn photos will make your eyes water and your heart melt. Oh! And use their services whenever possible!
Second and Final (I promise!) Thought: After leaving the photo shoot and getting to know some of the other writers, I was on cloud 562. I drove home with a smile on my face! I was even enthusiastic about cleaning up the living room when I got home. It was my day!
